Happy Mother's Day
A
Special Kind of Mother
Moms raising
children with learning difficulties are among the most dedicated committed
mothers I've ever met.
The challenges of parenting children with special
needs make parenting, already a challenging job, even more challenging. Often
teachers, friends and family do not understand the complex repercussions
involved.
I grew up with a deaf brother and sister and never had a clue
of the challenges it brought to my parents or my siblings.
Since I work
with Moms who have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) I'm more
familiar with their challenges.
If the mother herself has ADHD, for
example, the picture gets even fuzzier because she knows her child needs more
than the average child but because of her own ADHD and how it affects her; she's
often not able to provide the structure she would like to provide for her
children. She feels guilty about not being able to manage her children more
effectively.
If there is more than one child with ADD in the family,
there's even more challenges.
Frequently elementary school teachers are
not educated about ADHD children. The "inattentive" child frequently gets over
looked.
Parents have to be their child's advocate not only with the
school system, but also with family doctors who aren't well educated about ADHD.
It can be challenging to get a correct diagnosis, especially for a girl.
One mother I met felt her son's doctor was too quick to diagnose ADHD.
She had a thyroid problem and suspected her son did as well. She found an
excellent endocrinologist in the San Francisco Bay Area (Nathan Becker in San
Francisco) who tested her son for a thyroid disorder. When his thyroid condition
was treated, many of the ADHD symptoms disappeared or diminished.
Another
mother's son was suffering from unresolved grief and was suspected to have ADHD.
She hired Chapman Lucas, who confirmed that her son was not ADHD. She found a
wonderful therapist, F. Michael Montgomery, to work with her son on his
unresolved grief.
Low self esteem, social isolation, difficulties
relating to other children and being signaled out as being different are among
the most difficult things ADHD children face.
The structure provided in
elementary school may be sufficient to carry the undiagnosed child but when
reaching the upper grades these children are expected to be more independent.
It's often at this time that issues start to arise and could lead to a
diagnosis. If the school system and the family are not educated about ADHD and
the symptoms, the child will be blamed and punished for a behavior over which
they have no control. Then self-esteem is affected and the result often leads to
seeking approval from peers by being part of the "other kids", "the outsiders",
and the "outcasts".
The anxiety of not being accepted causes increased
stress. It's at this time that preteens and teens turn to oppositional behavior
like smoking, premarital sex or other behaviors in order to feel part of the
group.
The stress of having an ADHD child can also create great stress
in a marriage. Sometimes parents blame each other and think they are defective
parents because of the challenges their children are facing. When the child's
learning challenges are finally recognized, often the marriage can be on the
brink of ending.
Some moms raising kids with ADHD are single moms whose
fathers are not involved in the child's life.
One mother took a leave of
absence from her job in order to provide more structure for her son when he came
home from school. She had a partner who could carry the load of generating all
the income so that she could make sure her son got what he needed.
When
a mother has ADHD herself and is undiagnosed, it's nearly impossible for her to
get help for the children. She is sometimes in denial and won't admit her child
has difficulties, or that she may have difficulties related to undiagnosed ADHD.
She scrambles to keep all the balls in the air without much, if any,
support.
If a parent was not diagnosed as a child, the grief of
undiagnosed ADHD can be an issue that must be dealt with. A parent's diagnosis
will eventually create even more urgency to help their children to compensate
for what the parent was not able to accomplish with undiagnosed, untreated
ADHD.
If you are a
parent with a child who has ADHD please join me for an introductory free
teleclass on Wednesday May 21, 2008 from (8-9:00 pm PDT) to explore the
topic of "Reframing the Challenges of Parenting an ADHD child." There is no cost
for this 1-hour teleclass. To attend the teleclass you simply dial a phone
number given by the leader and you will be in a phone call with the other
participants. The only cost is a long distance phone call.
If you are
interested in attending, please contact Pauline for the telephone number to be
part of the teleclass. If you are not available on that date but would like to
attend another teleclass, please let Pauline know. If you know of a parent who
has ADHD children please direct them to contact Pauline. (707) 578-4226 email
plaurent@gutsycoaching.com
Happy
Mother's Day to all of you, whether you are men or women, birthed a child or
didn't, we are all mothers in one-way or another.
What I've learned is
that ultimately we have to become our own best mother and at some point release
ourselves from the responsibility of being accountable for our grown children's
behavior. In other words, "Let Go." It took me 40 years to do that. That's way
too long.
